Rating the Right Wing Wretches

by: Diane Gee

Sat Mar 27, 2010 at 15:55:03 PM EDT

Now, do I feel an eentsy bit misogynist for rating women by their looks, especially after having written heart rending essays about feeling woebegone for my lifelong lack of a hotness factor? Nope. Maybe I should, but I don't, because when it came down to it, I realized (REAL-EYES-D) I rate women's hotness factor by their personality, their eyes, more than just the physical attributes.  Of course I'm not a guy. The old adage stands, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. Heh. C'mon, you know it, in fact I remember even a mostly-evolved male of the species saying something about Palin being only worth watching if she were naked. Ewwwwww. Really? Really, really?  Even the Rude Pundit made an excellent video about not fucking Anne Coulter. And have you seen the Rude Pundit? You just know he isn't getting much action. If he can be that picky, anyone can.

You  have to admit, the new herd of bimbo branded young haterz it is quite an image change from Nancy and Babs.

But I digress. Yes, I have actually no compunction about it being totally bitchy to laugh about how the Republican Party has tried to revitalize their image as Church Ladies and withered hags, by pushing forward skanky bottle blondes and putting them on Fox News on low chairs with short skirts so their legs have to bunch the skimpy material dangerously high. I have no problem with them replacing big haired Tammy Fayes with ratted hair Sarah Palins, equally war painted, and pushing her 5 child knee knockers painfully high in 5 wire bras. Again ewwwwwwwwww.  So as a paragon of un-hotness myself, is it sour grapes for me to take a swipe at the Republican Skank brigade who are all better looking than me? Maybe so. But I would fuck myself, and do actually, and would not fuck them if I had a dick.... and its funny, nevertheless. We ugly chicks always have to get by with our wit and humor.  

Lets play shall we?

(you will laugh, guar-auuun-teeehd)

Besides the thunder thighs, from a technical angle, she is average. Not un-pretty, I suppose, but her mannerism always say "all about me."

Moreso, with her eyes, with her obvious killer instinct, her sneer would you put any appendage, let alone a prized appendage in this dangerous woman's mouth? Can you say "bloodied stump?" This dogs bite will be even worse than her growl.

I rest my case.

Verdict? NOT HOT.

Now, Coulter? I agree with the Pundit. Now I understand that alternating between vapid, and scathing may be a turn on for men with serious Mommy issues, but still.

Now, I'm not saying she has a horse face and mule teeth, but leave a trail of sweet feed oats to your bed, and a bucket of Chablis in your room? You're in.

Yes, she is thin and tall, but carries it bony and awkward, like she never grew into the legs she got as a "coult", er filly, whatever. And the "bitch" look is never sexy. "Let me rail on you in high pitch screeds" is not really foreplay to me. She does have awesome hair though, what a waste. Even with a fistful of that great mane, she'd buck you off and stomp you into a bloody pulp in the corner of her stall.

Verdict? NOT HOT.

Michele Malkin? Are you kidding me? I am fairly sure no one I know would want to be first in this uncharted territory, for I am reasonably sure that she has never been laid. Her whipped husband stays at homes and raises the children she invoked through a Satanic ritual and hatched by the dark of a new moon. I can tell, honest. Here's why: The woman would criticize her own orgasm, and yell at her own vagina for daring to become wet. Don't let the rare dimple showing fool you; it is only a lure to get people close enough to dig her sharpened fangs into their throats. Pleasure is BAD in her world, other than the pleasure of evisceration.

Unless you were a total flay me alive masochist, I cannot imagine this thing turning you on.

Verdict? NOT HOT.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, I get it. Those are some ginormus tits. And her face is pleasing enough below her beautiful blond cupcake hair. Now if only she would quit dying her roots black. I know Catholic girls are supposed to be the wildest when they finally are allowed to discover sex and all (I can personally attest to that, can I get an amen!) but all she has to do is open her prudish mouth, and you know hours of begging is not only foreplay for Jewish women anymore. Lights OFF! Missionary Position only! if she moved at all, it would only be to ask, "Is it over yet?" and then would jump up saying "Yuck, you got some on meeeeeeeee!" to shower with a brillo pad. That is how an encounter with Elisabeth would go.

Maybe its just me, but I would only want to fuck someone who enjoyed fucking. One doesn't moan "Grooooooss!" instead of, "Oh my GAHHHD!" She is a self-righteous, judgmental ice queen, and unless you have a penile pump, and can fill it with antifreeze, so it doesn't crack off with the glacier's relentless 'keep it out of me' squeeze, I'd give this one a thumbs down. Cute-ish, but totally unsexy.

Verdict? NOT HOT.

Now, it was suggested to add Cindy McCain to my list. Nope. Won't.

Because to me? Cindy's eyes always look like she is somehow damaged. In pain. Sure she carries herself stiffly and is cold-looking. But I give her a pass. She doesn't look like she chose the knife to youthify her face, and after being called a cunt publicly by her own husband, hell, being married to her own husband she has been punished enough.

Maybe she is a controlling rich bitch; but just maybe she is bitter for good reason. Many times, she looks as sad as she looks hard.

Verdict? Not my type personally; but I have a heart, she gets a pass.

So yeah, looks aren't everything, attitude is. Attitude and looks probably helps, but I get by with attitude, LOL, so I couldn't speak to that. In the end? I don't think there is a right wing man who is remotely hot either.

But women are more cerebral in their sexual choices, methinks. But if I were a man stuck on a desert island with one of the bitches above, I'd swim and take my chances with the sharks before I'd do any of those chicks. I'd do a bee infested knot hole in a tree first, and even if I had no hands, I'd coat it in smushed up banana and call a monkey to do the work if I had to, before I'd bonk one of the right wing bimbettes from hell.

Heh.

I leave you with the Rude One.